Eating Disorder or Disordered Eating…7 Questions to Ask to Explore Vulnerability

With so many messages from the media infiltrating all five of our senses on what we should look like combined with life’s struggles and our genetics, it’s not a surprise, although it is devastating, that as many as 20 million individuals are suffering with an eating disorder (binge eating, bulimia nervosa, anorexia nervosa, and OSFED ). I too fell into this trap as a teenage girl. My disease started out as a middle school competition with my friends on who could eat the least, and spiraled over time into my favorite way to deal with deeper problems time as I grew older.

We can’t always control what happens to us, but we might be thinking we can control what goes in and out of our bodies.  Whether surviving a past trauma, coping with severe anxiety, substance abuse, divorce, body image issues, the list goes on and on, sometimes self- destruction becomes appealing as it can be easier to take the pain out on ourselves.  Similar to cutting, or hitting oneself, or being dangerously sexually active, self-inflicted pain seems to initially to provide relief.  What it does in the long run is devastating to our health, our relationships, and our lives.  Many people die each year from this. The scariest part of eating disorders is that a little exploration can evolve into a full blown life-changing eating disorder so quickly it can be challenging to detect and prevent.

Once engaged in the behavior, it becomes somewhat like an addiction, freeing us from all the troubles in the world.  When we are too busy obsessing over food or binging and purging, we are distracted, even for just a moment, from our internal pain.  Until after the act…then the shame rushes in like an overflowing, raging river.  “Why do I keep doing this to myself?”  “Am I out of control?”  Why can’t I just be happy and healthy like everyone else?”

Early detection and prevention are key…and we have to change the way we perceive and internalize the messages that tell us who we should be and what we should look like.  I do want to mention I think progress is unfolding with awareness, and unsafe weight expectations being portrayed, however we have a ways to go.   Here are some additional things to consider when determining if your eating and body image are problematic and for protecting ourselves from the messages we are receiving in our culture:

1. What is the impact the media has on you?  Are you watching TV shows, reading magazines, admiring models, and comparing yourself and your life to what you see?  It’s important to remember that media and advertisement companies are getting rich from our vulnerabilities.  These images are not realistic.  We should not be a size 2, or fitting into our high school jeans.  As humans, we grow in age and size, let’s allow nature to take its course.  If we are too busy trying to be just like what we see on TV we are missing out on the opportunity to….

2. Embrace our authenticity.  What is YOUR style, look, body type, nutritional and dietary needs, etc.?  What would you look like if no one was watching?  Would you curl you hair or wear it natural?  Both are fabulous so long as it’s what makes you feel good.  Are you gluten intolerant or in need of carbs because you are a runner?  One size does not fit all.  If you want to know more about what foods are best for your body – reach out to a nutritionist or specialist in your area.

3. Are there people in your clan (your mother, husband, brother, neighbor, boss, friend) who shame you for your weight or appearance?  This can be incredibly damaging.  It’s bad enough we have the media to deal with, but if folks in your network are contributing to your body image issues – it might be helpful to do some work with your therapist around boundaries.  You may have to excuse unhealthy relationships from your life.

4. Are you obsessing over calories, carbs, fat, nutrients, how many times a day you eat, when you eat, how long it takes you to eat, the smell, texture or taste of food?  Do you spend a good portion of your day thinking about food?  These could be indicators that disordered eating is occurring.

5. Are you weighing yourself every day, multiple times a day?  Are you constantly trying to achieve a specific weight, one that you are guessing is healthy for you?  Don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating for unhealthy eating habits or for obesity as that presents health risks as well.  Rather, I am suggesting the number on the scale not determine your worth.  If you want to know what a healthy weight is, talk to your doctor.  But I prefer gaging my weight on how I feel…do I feel strong hiking with my son?  Do I feel comfortable in these jeans (and not my old skinny jeans)?  Am I putting foods in my body that fuel me?

6. When looking at yourself in the mirror, what is your internal dialogue?  Are you thanking your body for getting up this morning, having your babies, running that mile, doing that yoga pose, or breathing??  Or are you disgusted, frustrated, and saying hurtful things to yourself about your body?  Our inner critic can get us into serious trouble if we don’t add perspective and awareness to the conversation.  Using ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy) I encourage clients to observe those negative thoughts, breathe into them, create space for them and they will pass.  Then add in your voice saying that you are enough as you are, and it is not realistic to be that thin, and that there are other ways to heal and cope.

7. If you are outright binge eating, eating and then purging, or not eating enough…or are curious about whether or not your eating is problematic, please reach out, you are not alone.  You can contact your doctor, a therapist, an eating disorder agency and there are some great online assessments and information available to all of us. Support groups are also extremely helpful.  Here’s a place to begin to gather information: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

Creating change begins with each of us.  If I no longer buy into the media messages and chose to not purchase the diet scams, I am creating change.  If I compliment others on their authentic beauty and be careful to teach my son healthy eating and body image habits, I am creating change.  If I work with a therapist to process my past and heal rather than turning to the eating disorder, I am creating change.  Let’s support one another on this journey.

Take care of yourselves and therefore each other,

XO brooke jean

How to Connect With Your Teenager and Embrace Adolescence

I often hear parents speaking of their teenager in tongues, cursing their names and wishing their adolescent years away.  While I completely understand there are challenges to this phase of their development, we must remember for them, this is the toughest part of growing up.

Adolescent kids are finding their place in the world and figuring out who they are.  They usually do this by sizing themselves up against their peers and friends and by experimenting with styles, language, habits, expression, and the like.  It can be an incredibly confusing time for them, and to top it off, their bodies and voices are changing and their hormones are raging.  Yes, this has the potential to be a shit storm, a shit storm indeed.

However, where I think we get off track as parents is that we assume the worst of this phase; we set ourselves and our kids up to difficult.  We try to control their exploration and disapprove of how they are expressing themselves.  We do this because we are worried and just want the best for our kids, but what we are really doing it putting distance between us and our teenagers.

So what are some ways we can stay connected with our teenagers during this transitionary and changing period of all our lives?  How can we support and nurture our teenager’s journey and help them through this phase?

1. As best as you can, keep the communication channels open.  This may mean knowing their patterns and striking at the best time.  For my son it’s on the 30 minute car ride to school.  He is awake, energized, not yet cantankerous, and I find he has much to say.  Ask questions that not only you are interested in but that you know they like to talk about (video games, their friends, hobbies, animals, sports, their teachers, etc.).  Be an active listener, show genuine interest, and keep your negative comments to yourself (because yes, sometimes what is coming out of their mouth is irrational).

2. Normalize their experience.  Your teenager may be feeling a whirlwind of emotions.  Share with your teenager that you remember what it was like to go through this particular developmental period.  Share your stories to connect with them.  Tell them that it is normal to feel sad, angry, happy, excited, and scared all within 5 minutes, and that their bodies may ache as they are growing.  This can alleviate their instinct to judge their emotions.  And PLEASE people…encourage your boys to cry!  Encourage healthy ways for them to release such as talking, writing, playing music, doing art, and being active outside.  I also found a meditation journal I LOVE that I gave to my son that guides some healthy dialogue.

3. Set aside special time to engage in activities your teenager likes.  If you are feeling like you can’t get more than a one word answer to the question, “How was your day?” then take them on a hike.  Exercise gets teenagers talking.  It’s less intimidating than a serious face to face.  As much as I can’t stand it, I’ll bust out the Wii (is that even how you spell it) for some bowling with my boy.  Teenagers will want to be in their room, on their technology, connected to their friends, which is fine, but we have to set the expectation of family time.  And by doing things they enjoy you’ll get a more positive response.

4. Acknowledge your kiddos unique strengths.  What makes them special?  They need a foundational sense of self and we can help create that.  Embrace and support their uniqueness and interests.  All too often we as parents want specific things for our kids, like for them to be the quarterback or top gymnast, but really what is it THEY like and want.  Turning them into something they authentically are not will only make this period more challenging.  And for the love of Pete – stop trying to live vicariously through your child, it’s not too late for you to join a dance class or volleyball team.

5. Let them make mistakes – they’ll learn the life lessons.  We just went through a tough time with this recently.  We stopped micro-managing our son’s school work and homework.  We let him own his time management and priorities.  It was so hard to watch him struggle!  He became stressed and overwhelmed and my instinct was to rescue him.  But after a couple weeks, he shared with his Dad that he was stressed and emotional.  He told me he needed a little more guidance and follow up.  HE ASKED FOR IT!!  Can you believe it??  What an incredible lesson. He realized that if he is not organized and does not manage his time, he cannot get everything accomplished.  If he does not study he will not do well on the quiz.  And none of this feels good.  So I spent an afternoon sharing with him how I use my planner to organize and spread out my to-do’s, and how I celebrate when I get things done but avoid overloading myself.  Such a fun way to connect.

6. Ask their opinion on stuff…important stuff.  Ask them how they feel about the big things that are going on your life.  Some of the best conversations I have ever had with my son were about important issues and I could tell he felt smart and like a stakeholder in the family.  I am not saying to allow your teenager to call the shots, but hear them out.  They offer an insightful, honest, and interesting perspective.  Deep personal reflection has come from conversations such as these with my son.

7. Check in with yourself.  How are you feeling?  Are you feeling connected?  Are you satisfied with your relationship with your teenager?  Are you burnt out?  Are you emotionally available or unavailable?  We have to take good care of ourselves to be able to last the storm.  By reflecting on our parenting we can make adjustments to what we are doing to strengthen our bond.  We are a work in progress and if we can own our mistakes and show our resilience to our kids, they learn we are only human and so are they.

Enjoy this time with your teenager, for we will never get this time back.  They are trying to figure out who they are and they need us more than ever to support their journey.  Reach out and talk to other moms and dads for support.  Take good care of yourself.  And don’t forget to have fun, because yes, this ride can be ridiculous at times.

Take care of yourselves and therefore each other,

XO brooke jean

Getting Into the Hearts & Heads of the Client

How to get into the Hearts and Heads of the Client

Entering into the field of interior design, I realized quickly that I had an opportunity to leverage my counseling skills when working with our clients.  Whether buying, selling, building or remodeling a home, clients are in transition which is an emotional roller coaster for them.  I have heard many folks talk about how to prospect clients, and how to stay in touch with them after project completion, however how we take care of our clients “in the moment” has an invaluable and long-lasting impact.

We all want to provide a level of service that exceeds our client’s expectations, one that they tell their friends about and come back to us for many years to come.  Read on for some information regarding the psychological experience the client goes through as well as some tools to help you navigate the emotional process and best serve your clients.

What is the Client Psychologically Experiencing?

Clients are in TRANSITION!  They have not closed the chapter on the old, and are not yet settled into the new.  William Bridges would call this the “Neutral Zone.”  Haven’t we all been in that space not knowing how things will turn out?  It’s uncomfortable and some feelings that arise being in the neutral zone are fear, stress, anxiety, powerlessness, frustration, and every other emotion that life brings which will at some point be projected onto the process, project, or you.  We know that clients specifically experience 3 fears:  the fear of making the wrong choice, guilt over extravagance (and I would add shame, some clients internally feel that they DO NOT DESERVE this new home), and fear they are being sold something that is not in their best interest.  Other things to consider are that mood plays a role in how clients experience and perceive what you are presenting to them, color plays a role in regards to emotion, and psychologically it is easier for clients to make multiple payments where the total amount is higher than one lump sum payment.  We also know that when in transition clients become indecisive due to all these feelings and the analyzation that kicks in.

So what can we do to help?
Knowing that our clients might be experiencing some or all of these things, how can we best “show up” for our clients throughout the process to help them manage all these stressors, to ultimately build trust and long-lasting relationships?  It starts with building more than just rapport – the goal is to build an alliance.  Similar to how I begin counseling with a client, creating a safe environment that is built on trust and support is essential to the process – the same efforts apply here.  Get to know them personally.  At Studio 10 we have created a client questionnaire that asks everything from favorite adult beverage to most important room in the house and why.  We set the first meeting at their home which makes them feel important, personalized and tended to.  For the 2nd meeting we invite them to our beautiful showroom and tend to all their senses.  It will smell good, we’ll have eye candy for them to look at, and we’ll display their favorite drinks and snacks.  This helps the client feel special and catered to.
Find out about their kids, pets, hobbies and associations and show an authentic interest in who they are.  Being honest and transparent, even regarding the not-so-fun stuff, such as what you can expect in construction, helps to build the alliance.

Knowing the feelings that come up for folks who are in transition – something important to remember is that they might be moody and not trust you right away – don’t take it personal.  That can be a very normal initial response.  Being defensive will only create a barrior between you.  To find out what feelings or moods they are experiencing…it sounds simple…but just ask.  How has their day been thus far?  You’ll want to know if they couldn’t find a parking spot or had a rough parent-teacher conference prior to your appointment.  Taking that into consideration, you could alter your agenda for the meeting and revisit the missed topics on a day where they can be more present and engaged, therefore leading to effective and productive decision making.  If and when the client shares with you their emotional state “We are WAY behind schedule!!”  Normalize it.  “I understand your concerns, the stress at this phase is common, and yet I have seen this scenario before and here it how it comes together.”  Just feeling heard and validating will calm them down and reassure of them of the alliance. There is power in stories.  Share other client’s success stories with them.

In addressing indecisiveness, empowering them to make the final calls will be helpful in avoiding the 3 fears mentioned earlier.  Angela Artenies provides 5 ways to overcome indecisiveness that you can share with your clients:
1. Keep notes for a week on your feelings.  Don’t analyze – just write down.  After a week – where are you leaning?
2. Identify where you have the most resistance – this is usually due to an underlying fear or belief.  Naming the real fear is invaluable – normalize it and empower them.
3. Recognize you have the right to change your mind (control).  Encourage them to have what’s best for THEM, not what society, their friends, family, partner or ego thinks.
4. Stop taking life so seriously and allow self to go with the flow.  Have fun, laugh, humor has healing powers.  Having a playful attitude is attractive and approachable (which also builds the relationship)
5. Go within and do a visualization – I use this technique for everything.

Retention for the long haul Requires more than Satisfaction
According to the Keller Center research (Guo, Xiao, and Tang) we have to go an extra few steps further than providing client satisfaction.  Creating an experience where clients feel smart and in control can seal the deal for them to come back for many years to come (and to refer you to others!)  Some ways that we can do that are to balance being the expert with empowering them to tune into their knowledge and intuition.  Ask them often what they know, what they think, and what their gut is telling them.

Gretchen Rubin put together 7 tips for helping other people feel smart and insightful.
1. Take notes
2. Refer to a comment the client made earlier
3. If the person doesn’t finish their thought, ask them to pick it up again
4. Use the person’s name judiciously
5. Take note of evidence of their admirable qualities
6. Ask their advice
7. Take someone’s advice (you already know what their favorite restaurant is from the questionnaire – try it out – and have a discussion about it)

Hopefully there is some information here that provides insight into how to best serve your clients who are in transition.

Take care of yourselves and therefore each other,

XO brooke jean

Co-Parenting Post Divorce or Break Up… Helping Our Kids Thrive in the New Modern Family

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 21 years old and getting a biopsy on my cervix due to my per-cancerous cells when out of the nowhere my gyno says in a very matter-of-fact voice, “Oh, we’ll have to postpone, you’re pregnant.” The room went fuzzy and I think I entered an altered reality for a moment, only to come back to the room due to the wrinkling sound of paper being thrown crumpled up.

I was in college and this was not part of the plan.  I knew immediately who the father was, we had been dating on and off for about three or four years, and I just imagined his reaction.  I went out to the waiting room crying and my Mom hugged me thinking I was upset due to the procedure (Hello!  Get ready for this news).  I whispered in her ear while we were embracing, “I’m pregnant.”  My best friend Sharon was also in the waiting room and to this day I am forever grateful to have had two strong amazing women in my presence in that moment.

And just like that I knew deep down inside I was going to have this baby and my life was about to change dramatically.  I made my first pre-natal appointment on my way out, still completely frozen in shock.

Throughout the pregnancy…life got real tough.  I was still in school and working both at a Mexican restaurant and then at an internship at Target.  Due to the events that unfolded with my baby daddy thereafter, I knew I was going to be a single Mom and that we were not going to make it as a couple or a family.  I was heartbroken, scared, embarrassed, and lonely.

I am not going to lie…those first couple of years of co-parenting were excruciating.  The mediation was devastating, as making a deal to share my son felt impossible, and yet I knew he needed his Dad just as much as he needed me.  His father and I would argue over parenting time, how to parent, and everything else under the sun.  We said hurtful things to each other during this period that shook our confidence as parents and that we now regret. We did not handle things great in the beginning.   And at the end of the day I felt like I was missing precious moments of my son’s life when he was not with me.  I felt like my world was falling apart.

Well…our son is now 12 going on 16 and his father and I are on the other side of the toughest part.  Although it’s not perfect, I believe we do a darn good job co-parenting and have found a way through all the pain to put our son first.  I wanted to share our learning’s to those of you just embarking on this journey, as I remember all too closely just how hopeless it can feel.  You are not alone.

 Here are a couple items to consider if you are part of the modern family:

1. Release yourself of the shame….I know I felt an incredible amount of shame for bringing my son into the world without the traditional family and as such a young mother.  I wondered if I jipped him of something really instrumental to his development.  Shame carries no benefit, only unnecessary weight.  Kids can thrive when they have at least one loving and nurturing parent they can attach to.  If they have both their parents in their life without the marriage..right on!

2. As much as you can, put your pain and personal feelings toward your ex aside as to avoid damaging a relationship between your child and their other parent.  All kids innately feel that their parents are good.  If you bad mouth their mother or father or make them believe their other parent is fatally flawed…they inherently believe they are fatally flawed.  They know they are the product of their parents, so in their minds how could they not be bad?

3. Build your ex up in regards to their ability to parent rather than tearing them down.  Being a new parent is extremely vulnerable.  We never really know if we are doing it right and there is already enough judgement in the world.  Telling your ex they are a bad parent is soul sucking, and cutting to the core and can damage their confidence as a parent.  If you need resources on parenting, reach out and learn, but don’t judge each other from the sidelines.

4. Go through mediation rather than a custody battle.  That two hours of mediation was so emotional for me, I cannot imagine what six months – six years of court would have done to me…which would have impacted my son.  As hard as it is, your kiddo needs both you and your ex and if he/ she witnesses your ability to work together, he/she will gain so much from that.  Plus, all that money you didn’t spend on attorneys you can put away for their college education.

5. Take time to connect and communicate with your ex…if for nothing else but to touch base on your child and get on the same page with parenting.  It is already really tough on kids to have two houses so having similar parenting styles (school stuff, rules, norms, diet, extracurricular priorities) will help them transition.  If both parents encourage the same study habits, eating habits, and play, your kiddo can build momentum.  It’s important to note that no matter how hard you try…you will NEVER parent exactly like your ex…or your new partner for that matter…and that’s OK.  The most important piece to consider is to avoid using your child as a communication tool to get to your ex.  “Tell your Dad….” is not their responsibility.  That puts them in the middle regardless of how innocent the message is.

6. Provide your child with a transition item and transition period.  Our son used to have two blankies he would take back and forth (he called them “Blankie” and “C-Guy”).  When he was little, the transition period was so tough for him.  There were even moments I would come to pick him up and HE WOULD RUN FROM ME!  If that wasn’t a shame trigger I don’t know what was. Is it NOT that they don’t love you, it’s just that they were settled into one space and having to move to another…so handle it with patience and try not to take it personally.  You may notice that their behavior is more challenging than usual the first day or two back at your house…this is normal.

7. This might not work for all…but embrace your ex’s new partner and try to spend some time together as one big blended modern family.  This can be brutal, BUT having an alliance with the new partner will provide you another contact keeping you in the loop and helping you raise your child.  Completely ignoring them means there is a part of your child’s life you are not privy to.  As my son was growing up, our big blended family would always spend Halloween together (and although some were a little crazy) I feel like it means a lot to the kids to have all their loved ones in one place on special occasions.  We sit together at his games and performances showing a united “TEAM CAMDEN” in the crowd.

8. Talk to your child often about what it is like emotionally for them to have two houses.  They will tell you.  Pretending it’s a non-variable can prevent them from sharing what they’re experiencing, good and bad.  This DOES NOT mean to interrogate your child on what your ex is doing and what goes on at the other house.  This puts your kiddo in the middle and they can sense the tension behind those questions.  Show empathy for their situation.  Eventually they may be able to verbalize both what’s tough about the blended family, and also what’s beneficial about the blended family.

9. Know that it gets easier.  The divorce or break up wound won’t always be this raw.  As we heal, we can embrace the concept of blended family and even find ways to appreciate it.  When I would get sad about my situation, I would remind myself that my son has 4 loving parents instead of 2…what a loved little dude.  I fell in love again and am married to an amazing man who adores my son and who also gets along with my ex.

As a big blended modern family…we are all in this together.   As long as we show love, acceptance, and guidance to our kids, while taking good care of ourselves and each other, we are providing more to our kids than what many receive.  Although it might not be going as planned, by embracing the glorious mess the universe handed me, I have felt such gratitude to have had my son – nothing in this world gives me more joy than him.  And he wouldn’t be as amazing as he is without the love and relationship he has with his father and step-parents.

Take care of yourselves and therefore each other,

XO brooke jean

Unlocking the 6 Psychological Keys to Reaching Your Potential

In the workforce today, many of us struggle to balance it all: work, family, friends, hobbies, pleasure and more.  We are often overworked, burnt out, and just going through the motions.  In my experience both as a professional counselor as well as a corporate leader I have found that people tend to focus on the wrong things to help them grow, reach their potential, and create a life filled with meaning and purpose.  They go searching externally for answers when I have found that the secret to their success lies within them.

In developing a coaching plan to help folks reach new heights, I integrate counseling to unlock what I call the six psychological keys to reaching potential.  These are six categories to explore that involve taking a deeper look into our inner world and how they impact our personal and professional lives (in this piece 3 of the 6 will be shared).  The process begins with doing some soul searching to lay the foundation of the work.  Before providing assessments and tips, it is beneficial to assess whether or not one is living authentically, and in congruence with their values.

Some questions to ask yourself when exploring your purpose and values are: What aspects of my life are filling my tank versus sucking it dry? What interests have I lost contact with that used to bring me energy and joy? What types of activities do I look forward to? When do I feel most passionate? What means the most to me (relationships, honesty, money, integrity, responsibility, just to name a few?) Then take a piece of paper and on one side write out all the things that emerge from these questions. On the other side write in the top section things you are doing that are in line with your values and on the bottom, things you are doing that are not in line with your values. It is almost impossible to really reach our own unique potential when we are not living authentically or have lost our passion, interests, and values.

Once you have defined what’s most important, now you can begin to form your professional presence. This can include identifying signature strengths and blind spots. What’s interesting is that typically what we are great at is also what we enjoy to do. For example, if you enjoy being with people, odds are your strengths are related to working with a team, perhaps being a leader or a helper. If you love organization or innovation, perhaps your strengths are to be the visionary, goal setter, or strategist. To realize your blindspots, you’ll need to request open and honest feedback. This can be tough! You can email your friends, family, partner, team or peers an evaluation for them to fill out and drop in your mailbox. Knowing what we are great at and what we can work on to grow will serve as beneficial in the quest to ultimately reach your potential.

Next, in order to reach our individual potential, one of the obstacles we must address head on is…yes…the inner critic. What is it you tell yourself that gets in the way of you going for it, chasing your dreams? What self-talk do you engage in and who’s voice is it? What are you scared of? Once we know what the critic has to say, we can then begin to challenge it head on. You can add another voice to this inner dialogue, one that believes in you and wants you to take risks in order to grow and reach new heights.

Hopefully, this information can get you started on the journey to reaching your potential.

Take care of yourselves and therefore each other,

XO brooke jean

Embracing Darkness: An Necessary Component of Self-Acceptance

Last week I invited a good friend of mine over for some Chinese food, wine, and the documentary on Amy Winehouse.  Waking up the next morning, I realized just how deeply affected I was by her story and more specifically by her relationship with her dark side.  Having suffered from an eating disorder in combination with excessive drinking for many of my younger years, I too have a similar darkness, but it hasn’t been until recently (and after serious therapy) I have come to explore and embrace all parts of myself.

There are always two sides to the coin, to the yin and yang, and one without the other offsets the balance.  When I reflect on Amy’s story, I am astonished by her talent and how her unique gift was to share her darkness through lyric and song.  She had a keen ability to tap into her inner wisdom and shed light on her internal struggles in such a resourceful and insightful way.  Many people, however, ignore or repress their dark side, for it is scary, angry, embarrassing, overwhelming or jealous.  And yet in my experience it is also creative, beautiful, soulful, artistic, and honest.  In order to accept ourselves, we must meet and make peace with our dark side, and perhaps in the long run even use it to shine brighter in the world.

For example…I know I can be fiery, intense, and downright challenging sometimes. And yet that also comes across as passionate, driven, and courageous when channeled appropriately. When our darkness is unconscious, we don’t have much control over how it rears its ugly head. When we bring those parts of ourselves into our awareness, we can begin to understand our desires, impulses, and patterns.

When we understand our patterns we can alter them positively or use them strategically.

So how do we get in touch with these parts of ourselves? First – when feeling down, low, depressed and dark – take a look around and allow yourself to immerse into the experience. Draw, write, dance, or tap into your creativity during your dark times. Don’t shame yourself for feeling low, it’s part of the human experience. Note: If your depression continues or hinders your ability to get out of bed, eat, or ensure basic safety needs are met, please do reach out for additional support.

In what ways have self-destruction and self-sabotaging behaviors impacted your life? How do you talk to yourself when no one is listening? What patterns and habits are you engaging in that are no longer serving you well? In what ways have you hurt others? What parts of your personality do you perceive as undesirable? This is all information that can provide insight into your darkness. But as you discover these parts – be careful to remember WE ALL have a dark side. We all have things we wish were different about ourselves. But without our darkness, we wouldn’t be our whole and true authentic selves. So, rather than trying to change it, or repress it, I would encourage us all to greet it with a gentle and curious nature. Why is it there? How does it help us? My fiery nature keeps me moving forward, constantly growing, and able to defend myself. That’s not all bad is it? This is a process and takes time but if you have even taken the step to consider your darkness, you are well on your way to acceptance!

I want to hear from you…How does your darkness help and hinder you? What creative forces emerge from your darkness? What ways have you been able to channel these parts of yourself?

Take care of yourselves and therefore each other,

XO brooke jean

The 4 Myths of Happiness

Prior to entering the field of counseling, I wholeheartedly believed that the ultimate goal in life was to be happy. Upon further reflection I began to ask myself questions such as “What does happy look and feel like?” and “How do I know when I have achieved HAPPINESS?” Paired with years of my own personal struggles, I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me that I usually didn’t start each day happy. On the contrary, I usually wake up relatively grumpy, refusing to get out of bed and face the day. I snooze for at least thirty minutes and throw a full blown adult fit on my way to the shower (usually bumping into a wall or two on the way). It isn’t until I have had my coffee or tea and arrived wherever it is I need to be that I actually accept the day.

Learning different methodologies for helping people in the counseling realm led me to ACT – Acceptance & Commitment Therapy. This is a mindfulness based therapy that helps folks leverage being present to defuse from negative thoughts, images and feelings.  What I was particularly drawn to was the philosophy of this model which acknowledges that we cannot control our thoughts and feelings and that our brains have evolved to sense and avoid danger.  This is why we worry.  Russ Harris who shares the ideas of Steven Hayes (one of the ACT founders) in one of my favorite books The Happiness Trap:  How to Stop Struggling and Start Living points out that there are 4 myths of happiness…so enjoy!

1. Happiness is the natural state for all human beings.  Research actually demonstrates the opposite.  Unfortunately, one in ten adults will attempt suicide and one in five will suffer from depression.  Most of us are thinking that everyone around us is waking up happy each day, but that is not the case….you are not alone.

2. If you’re not happy, you’re defective.  This one hits home for me.  I have spent half my life trying to alter my life to be happy, read a million self-help books, exercised, partied, went to places I enjoy – all to still wake up cranky the next morning.  In our culture we avoid suffering and deem it problematic and abnormal.  It is judged.  It is not accepted and yet it is INEVITABLE.  And I happen to believe that from our suffering we grow, we become more connected to ourselves and to what matters most.  If you are unhappy, worried, stressed, anxious, and ready to defend yourself…your mind is doing exactly what it has evolved to do, you are not defective.

3. To create a better life, we must get rid of negative thinking.  Life is all about balance.  I invite feelings of happiness, contentment, excitement, and joy into my life and yours.  And I do experience all of these almost everyday, usually later in the day.  However, to create the life you want, you must prepare for challenging thoughts and feelings.  Take relationships for example…at times you will feel connected, loved, and happy.  At other points you may feel scared, unhappy, and frustrated.  That is OK and completely normal, we just don’t speak about it as often as we showcase our high points in life.

4. You should be able to control what you think and feel.  By trying to get rid of negative thinking you are only going to feel like a failure when you realize that you cannot control your thoughts or feelings, which then perpetuates the negative feelings.  You may ask yourself, “Why can’t I just get over it and be happy?”  Then  you shame yourself for not being able to do so.  How many of you have tried to get that memory, image, or negative thought out of your mind and have been successful at it??  You might be able to distract yourself temporarily to get rid of it, yet it most likely comes back.  And who has time to constantly remain distracted?  When we are avoiding painful thoughts and feeling with things like avoidance and distraction, we are also blocking the positive thoughts and feelings, pulling us away from living a rich and meaningful life.

Rather than trying to control our thoughts and emotions, I would suggest inviting them in, making space for them, creating peace with them – you just may find that they are not as powerful as we have perceived them to be.  What we can control is our actions and how we respond to both positive and negative emotions.  Take a breath, observe your thoughts and know what you’re brain is just doing what it evolved to do…nothing is wrong with you…suffering is part of life.

I want to hear from you!  Have you tried to control your thoughts and feelings?  What was that like?  Have you fallen prey to the happiness myths and in what ways?

Take care of yourselves and therefore each other,

XO brooke jean

New Year’s Resolutions (Minus the Pressure & Guilt)

As 2015 comes to a close and we prepare for great things in 2016, it is important to make time for reflection and to establish goals in a mindful way.  I have developed a New Year’s Day ritual that includes a good work out followed by a good sweaty meditation in the steam room.  I start the year off by doing something loving to and for myself.  Read on for tips on how set goals for the New Year without pressure, guilt or shame:

1.  It’s all about reflection – careful reflection that is.  Looking back on 2015, what were your highlights?  Ask yourself what you were able to do in regards to your personal growth, what you did for fun, in relationships, for you health?  When did you feel connected, happy, and content?  Write out the feelings, thoughts, and experiences that surrounded those highlights and look for themes.  Odds are….these are themes you can celebrate and will want to maintain for next year.  On the flip side, what challenged you or pulled you from your values?  What goals did you set last year that you did not accomplish.  IMPORTANT!!!!  Do not feel guilt or shame for not accomplishing them…just be gently curious about why.  Perhaps it wasn’t that important after all, which is helpful information to your self, so no time lost.  Perhaps it challenged you due to fear which now that you are aware of that, you can tackle it head on.  Again…sounds perfectly productive to me.  The point here is to gain self-knowledge so the new goals can be more fitting, meaningful and achievable.

2.  Do a quick scan on how connected you are to your values.  When was the last time you gave yourself the time and space to determine what your core values are?  And how are you living those core values in your daily life?  For example, if health is a core value but you are struggling to maintain emotional and physical health due to your busy schedule, it’s time to get real and make room in your schedule and pocketbook for that therapy session, massage, physical, dentist appointment, hike or dance class.  A tool that I have found extremely helpful for myself as well as my clients is the value sort…go ahead and Google it.

3.  After reflecting on last year, and reconnecting to your values, I encourage you to take a look at the total picture when setting goals. There are many facets to wellness and we are usually more drawn to some over others, and usually for good reason.  But examine all the buckets:  Health/ Relationships/ Connection/ Pleasure/ Work/ Purpose/ Community.  This is not to set 652 goals – again we are trying to avoid feeling bad about what we do not accomplish.  It’s more about taking a balanced approach to your goals.  If all your goals are work oriented, you are placing a great deal of pressure on yourself, and some that is out of your control…that is a TRAP!  If your only goal is to lose weight, again…I sense you may be in the same spot next year, only feeling worse.  How we set goals is also important leading to the next tip…

4.  Set diverse and manageable goals.  Break down the larger goal into achievable parts.  Only bite off one or two at a time not all seven or eight.  Based on what you came up with for all the parts of wellness, prioritize the top two and break them down into weekly, monthly, and quarterly goals.  Remember it takes at least 16 weeks for actions to become habits, and when we bite off more than we can chew, we tend to make it a month or two and then give up.  Diversity keeps things fun and different.

5.  Share your goals with others and celebrate with them when you make even the slightest movement in the direction you are wanting to go.  I have found that people leave this piece out.  Having goals can be so lonely at times.  We are hesitant to share goals for fear of embarrassment if we fail or judgement.  This also allows us to throw in the towel sooner because hey…no one knew I was working on this anyway!  Share!!!  Be vulnerable and see the support that comes to you.  Don’t you cheer on your clan??  They’ll most likely do the same for you.  And when you approach the haters…well…we all know what to do about them.  We know they are just going through their own stuff.

6.  Don’t think in absolutes.  Black and white goal planning and follow up is DANGEROUS.  We do not live in an all or nothing world so why is it we expect all or nothing when we are trying to achieve our goals?  If you decided to order a pizza and drink a couple glasses of wine instead of working out and doing homework – who cares?  It’s what you needed in the moment – trust your intuition and most important – DO NOT SHAME yourself for it.  At least enjoy it mindfully, you owe at least that to the pizza.

7.  Now and each moment, day, week, month, and year going forward – do your best to remain PRESENT.  If you spend your life planning and wishing, you are missing out on the rich opportunities that are emerging in each moment.  If you can’t enjoy the now, how can you be certain you’ll enjoy yourself more when you achieve something?  The truth is, you are amazing just as you are right now, without changing or making any resolutions.  This leads me to what I hope is your only resolution:  TO LOVE & ACCEPT MYSELF!

My next post and many more to come will provide information on how to do just that so stay tuned.  In the meantime I would love to hear from you!  How do you reflect and set mindful goals?  Do you feel guilt over not achieving?  What works?  What does not?

Take care of yourselves and therefore each other,

XO brooke jean

The 4 Myths of Happiness (Copy)

Hello! (In my best Adele voice) Thank you for visiting my blog and reading my VERY first blog post. I am beyond thrilled to share my journey and learning’s with each and every one of you. I had no idea how important connecting to my purpose was until recently when graduation and opening my private counseling and coaching practice came to fruition. Many twists and turns in my life led me to this point…the point of living my purpose of healing and helping others. There is something spiritually meaningful about knowing deep in your soul you are on the right path and feeling that what you are doing is significant. But how did I get here??? It certainly wasn’t a clear and easy road.

Growing up, I tended to be a caretaker.  Being the first born of three children, I had the opportunity and duty to help take care of my siblings.  When my sister was born with a brain tumor, our lives were turned upside down.  I realized at the tender age of eight years old just how precious life was, and also how fortunate I was to have my health.  Witnessing my younger sister’s strength (along with my families’) to overcome major health obstacles, I became inspired by how happy this little girl could be while suffering and fighting for her life.

On the darker side, and yes I believe there is almost always a darker side to things, I developed an intense pressure within myself to not be a problem adding to the family distress. This self-discipline (it was not expected of me, I solely created it) evolved into a perfectionist, people pleasing personality which led to many more problems down the road. I did well in school, impressed people socially, and was active in extracurricular activities. That was until middle school – when my organic development (searching for my identity) collided with my anger turned inward – where things started going downhill. As my heath began to deteriorate with an eating disorder, my sister’s health was much better and she was stable. Life is all about balance, isn’t it?

As I began to recover and was back on track in high school, my brother was facing serious struggles. Thinking back, my parents really never got a break. It’s not my place to share his story in detail but let’s just say he is a warrior in his own right and we all learned just how important mental health is.

In college, I became pregnant with my son. What a blessing and surprise that was. I would have been on the ten year plan and was having a little TOO much fun. Cleaning up my act, I wanted to graduate on time, and have a steady job lined up beforehand. That is how I ended up being a leader at Target. They had a paid internship and in that experience I saw a reliable career that could support my son and I (his father and I parted ways when I was pregnant and have co-parented ever since.)

Ten years climbing the corporate ladder flew by in a blink of an eye, and my son was growing up way too fast. I met my husband at Target and life was looking up. Everyone’s health was intact (for the most part) and life was unfolding as it was supposed to. My career however took a toll on me. The people pleaser in me did not know how to say “No” and was trying to prove my worth through work accomplishments. When paired with the skeletons and demons whom I had locked in my closet, the scenario led to a severe case of burn out, among other things.

Many of you probably know about and have been affected by the horrendous Aurora theater shootings which occurred across the street from the Target store I managed. Many of our team members were in the theater that night and, devastatingly, we lost one of us that night. Witnessing the grief, confusion, fear, anger, strength and resilience of the community reconnected me to my personal values and desire to help others in a different way than being a leader for a retail organization.
My heart was broken but my natural response during this crisis was to tend to my team’s wounds and in those dark moments my purpose emerged like the sun rising.

I knew I wanted more out of my life and that many things needed to change. I needed to define my worth in ways that were authentic to me, not based on my work performance. I needed to get into therapy and tend to my own lifelong wounds. I needed to be a better example to my son regarding taking care of myself and the world deserved my gifts that were being hidden by my insecurity.
Bravely, I decided to make the move. Leaving Target, because of the people I so dearly loved, was one of the toughest decisions I have ever made. I was known by many and made a good living. BUT my work didn’t have the type of meaning I so desired and longed for. I needed to create balance in my life and starting over felt like the best (and scariest) way how.

I applied for graduate school to get my Masters in Counseling at Regis University and 2.5 years later here we are. What a journey academically and self-reflectively it has been. I am forever transformed and so absolutely clear with who I am (although I will always be a work in progress), what gems I offer the universe and what my purpose is.

Now I get to pay it forward. I get to guide others in finding their authenticity and shining organically in the world. I have the privilege of being with human beings as they work through the deepest parts of themselves while digging to find their gold. I get to reconnect people to their individual values and help them live in a more present and meaningful way.
You will find that many of my blog posts will be true to my story, vulnerable and real, while also providing some information and tips on how to become the best you.

I would love to hear from you! What’s your story? And how has it connected you to your purpose? What wellness tips are you most interested in? Please do always share your thoughts, feelings, and feedback with me.

Take care of yourselves and therefore each other,

XO brooke jean