Co-Parenting Post Divorce or Break Up… Helping Our Kids Thrive in the New Modern Family
I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 21 years old and getting a biopsy on my cervix due to my per-cancerous cells when out of the nowhere my gyno says in a very matter-of-fact voice, “Oh, we’ll have to postpone, you’re pregnant.” The room went fuzzy and I think I entered an altered reality for a moment, only to come back to the room due to the wrinkling sound of paper being thrown crumpled up.
I was in college and this was not part of the plan. I knew immediately who the father was, we had been dating on and off for about three or four years, and I just imagined his reaction. I went out to the waiting room crying and my Mom hugged me thinking I was upset due to the procedure (Hello! Get ready for this news). I whispered in her ear while we were embracing, “I’m pregnant.” My best friend Sharon was also in the waiting room and to this day I am forever grateful to have had two strong amazing women in my presence in that moment.
And just like that I knew deep down inside I was going to have this baby and my life was about to change dramatically. I made my first pre-natal appointment on my way out, still completely frozen in shock.
Throughout the pregnancy…life got real tough. I was still in school and working both at a Mexican restaurant and then at an internship at Target. Due to the events that unfolded with my baby daddy thereafter, I knew I was going to be a single Mom and that we were not going to make it as a couple or a family. I was heartbroken, scared, embarrassed, and lonely.
I am not going to lie…those first couple of years of co-parenting were excruciating. The mediation was devastating, as making a deal to share my son felt impossible, and yet I knew he needed his Dad just as much as he needed me. His father and I would argue over parenting time, how to parent, and everything else under the sun. We said hurtful things to each other during this period that shook our confidence as parents and that we now regret. We did not handle things great in the beginning. And at the end of the day I felt like I was missing precious moments of my son’s life when he was not with me. I felt like my world was falling apart.
Well…our son is now 12 going on 16 and his father and I are on the other side of the toughest part. Although it’s not perfect, I believe we do a darn good job co-parenting and have found a way through all the pain to put our son first. I wanted to share our learning’s to those of you just embarking on this journey, as I remember all too closely just how hopeless it can feel. You are not alone.
Here are a couple items to consider if you are part of the modern family:
1. Release yourself of the shame….I know I felt an incredible amount of shame for bringing my son into the world without the traditional family and as such a young mother. I wondered if I jipped him of something really instrumental to his development. Shame carries no benefit, only unnecessary weight. Kids can thrive when they have at least one loving and nurturing parent they can attach to. If they have both their parents in their life without the marriage..right on!
2. As much as you can, put your pain and personal feelings toward your ex aside as to avoid damaging a relationship between your child and their other parent. All kids innately feel that their parents are good. If you bad mouth their mother or father or make them believe their other parent is fatally flawed…they inherently believe they are fatally flawed. They know they are the product of their parents, so in their minds how could they not be bad?
3. Build your ex up in regards to their ability to parent rather than tearing them down. Being a new parent is extremely vulnerable. We never really know if we are doing it right and there is already enough judgement in the world. Telling your ex they are a bad parent is soul sucking, and cutting to the core and can damage their confidence as a parent. If you need resources on parenting, reach out and learn, but don’t judge each other from the sidelines.
4. Go through mediation rather than a custody battle. That two hours of mediation was so emotional for me, I cannot imagine what six months – six years of court would have done to me…which would have impacted my son. As hard as it is, your kiddo needs both you and your ex and if he/ she witnesses your ability to work together, he/she will gain so much from that. Plus, all that money you didn’t spend on attorneys you can put away for their college education.
5. Take time to connect and communicate with your ex…if for nothing else but to touch base on your child and get on the same page with parenting. It is already really tough on kids to have two houses so having similar parenting styles (school stuff, rules, norms, diet, extracurricular priorities) will help them transition. If both parents encourage the same study habits, eating habits, and play, your kiddo can build momentum. It’s important to note that no matter how hard you try…you will NEVER parent exactly like your ex…or your new partner for that matter…and that’s OK. The most important piece to consider is to avoid using your child as a communication tool to get to your ex. “Tell your Dad….” is not their responsibility. That puts them in the middle regardless of how innocent the message is.
6. Provide your child with a transition item and transition period. Our son used to have two blankies he would take back and forth (he called them “Blankie” and “C-Guy”). When he was little, the transition period was so tough for him. There were even moments I would come to pick him up and HE WOULD RUN FROM ME! If that wasn’t a shame trigger I don’t know what was. Is it NOT that they don’t love you, it’s just that they were settled into one space and having to move to another…so handle it with patience and try not to take it personally. You may notice that their behavior is more challenging than usual the first day or two back at your house…this is normal.
7. This might not work for all…but embrace your ex’s new partner and try to spend some time together as one big blended modern family. This can be brutal, BUT having an alliance with the new partner will provide you another contact keeping you in the loop and helping you raise your child. Completely ignoring them means there is a part of your child’s life you are not privy to. As my son was growing up, our big blended family would always spend Halloween together (and although some were a little crazy) I feel like it means a lot to the kids to have all their loved ones in one place on special occasions. We sit together at his games and performances showing a united “TEAM CAMDEN” in the crowd.
8. Talk to your child often about what it is like emotionally for them to have two houses. They will tell you. Pretending it’s a non-variable can prevent them from sharing what they’re experiencing, good and bad. This DOES NOT mean to interrogate your child on what your ex is doing and what goes on at the other house. This puts your kiddo in the middle and they can sense the tension behind those questions. Show empathy for their situation. Eventually they may be able to verbalize both what’s tough about the blended family, and also what’s beneficial about the blended family.
9. Know that it gets easier. The divorce or break up wound won’t always be this raw. As we heal, we can embrace the concept of blended family and even find ways to appreciate it. When I would get sad about my situation, I would remind myself that my son has 4 loving parents instead of 2…what a loved little dude. I fell in love again and am married to an amazing man who adores my son and who also gets along with my ex.
As a big blended modern family…we are all in this together. As long as we show love, acceptance, and guidance to our kids, while taking good care of ourselves and each other, we are providing more to our kids than what many receive. Although it might not be going as planned, by embracing the glorious mess the universe handed me, I have felt such gratitude to have had my son – nothing in this world gives me more joy than him. And he wouldn’t be as amazing as he is without the love and relationship he has with his father and step-parents.
