How to Connect With Your Teenager and Embrace Adolescence
I often hear parents speaking of their teenager in tongues, cursing their names and wishing their adolescent years away. While I completely understand there are challenges to this phase of their development, we must remember for them, this is the toughest part of growing up.
Adolescent kids are finding their place in the world and figuring out who they are. They usually do this by sizing themselves up against their peers and friends and by experimenting with styles, language, habits, expression, and the like. It can be an incredibly confusing time for them, and to top it off, their bodies and voices are changing and their hormones are raging. Yes, this has the potential to be a shit storm, a shit storm indeed.
However, where I think we get off track as parents is that we assume the worst of this phase; we set ourselves and our kids up to difficult. We try to control their exploration and disapprove of how they are expressing themselves. We do this because we are worried and just want the best for our kids, but what we are really doing it putting distance between us and our teenagers.
So what are some ways we can stay connected with our teenagers during this transitionary and changing period of all our lives? How can we support and nurture our teenager’s journey and help them through this phase?
1. As best as you can, keep the communication channels open. This may mean knowing their patterns and striking at the best time. For my son it’s on the 30 minute car ride to school. He is awake, energized, not yet cantankerous, and I find he has much to say. Ask questions that not only you are interested in but that you know they like to talk about (video games, their friends, hobbies, animals, sports, their teachers, etc.). Be an active listener, show genuine interest, and keep your negative comments to yourself (because yes, sometimes what is coming out of their mouth is irrational).
2. Normalize their experience. Your teenager may be feeling a whirlwind of emotions. Share with your teenager that you remember what it was like to go through this particular developmental period. Share your stories to connect with them. Tell them that it is normal to feel sad, angry, happy, excited, and scared all within 5 minutes, and that their bodies may ache as they are growing. This can alleviate their instinct to judge their emotions. And PLEASE people…encourage your boys to cry! Encourage healthy ways for them to release such as talking, writing, playing music, doing art, and being active outside. I also found a meditation journal I LOVE that I gave to my son that guides some healthy dialogue.
3. Set aside special time to engage in activities your teenager likes. If you are feeling like you can’t get more than a one word answer to the question, “How was your day?” then take them on a hike. Exercise gets teenagers talking. It’s less intimidating than a serious face to face. As much as I can’t stand it, I’ll bust out the Wii (is that even how you spell it) for some bowling with my boy. Teenagers will want to be in their room, on their technology, connected to their friends, which is fine, but we have to set the expectation of family time. And by doing things they enjoy you’ll get a more positive response.
4. Acknowledge your kiddos unique strengths. What makes them special? They need a foundational sense of self and we can help create that. Embrace and support their uniqueness and interests. All too often we as parents want specific things for our kids, like for them to be the quarterback or top gymnast, but really what is it THEY like and want. Turning them into something they authentically are not will only make this period more challenging. And for the love of Pete – stop trying to live vicariously through your child, it’s not too late for you to join a dance class or volleyball team.
5. Let them make mistakes – they’ll learn the life lessons. We just went through a tough time with this recently. We stopped micro-managing our son’s school work and homework. We let him own his time management and priorities. It was so hard to watch him struggle! He became stressed and overwhelmed and my instinct was to rescue him. But after a couple weeks, he shared with his Dad that he was stressed and emotional. He told me he needed a little more guidance and follow up. HE ASKED FOR IT!! Can you believe it?? What an incredible lesson. He realized that if he is not organized and does not manage his time, he cannot get everything accomplished. If he does not study he will not do well on the quiz. And none of this feels good. So I spent an afternoon sharing with him how I use my planner to organize and spread out my to-do’s, and how I celebrate when I get things done but avoid overloading myself. Such a fun way to connect.
6. Ask their opinion on stuff…important stuff. Ask them how they feel about the big things that are going on your life. Some of the best conversations I have ever had with my son were about important issues and I could tell he felt smart and like a stakeholder in the family. I am not saying to allow your teenager to call the shots, but hear them out. They offer an insightful, honest, and interesting perspective. Deep personal reflection has come from conversations such as these with my son.
7. Check in with yourself. How are you feeling? Are you feeling connected? Are you satisfied with your relationship with your teenager? Are you burnt out? Are you emotionally available or unavailable? We have to take good care of ourselves to be able to last the storm. By reflecting on our parenting we can make adjustments to what we are doing to strengthen our bond. We are a work in progress and if we can own our mistakes and show our resilience to our kids, they learn we are only human and so are they.
Enjoy this time with your teenager, for we will never get this time back. They are trying to figure out who they are and they need us more than ever to support their journey. Reach out and talk to other moms and dads for support. Take good care of yourself. And don’t forget to have fun, because yes, this ride can be ridiculous at times.
