The 4 Myths of Happiness
Prior to entering the field of counseling, I wholeheartedly believed that the ultimate goal in life was to be happy. Upon further reflection I began to ask myself questions such as “What does happy look and feel like?” and “How do I know when I have achieved HAPPINESS?” Paired with years of my own personal struggles, I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me that I usually didn’t start each day happy. On the contrary, I usually wake up relatively grumpy, refusing to get out of bed and face the day. I snooze for at least thirty minutes and throw a full blown adult fit on my way to the shower (usually bumping into a wall or two on the way). It isn’t until I have had my coffee or tea and arrived wherever it is I need to be that I actually accept the day.
Learning different methodologies for helping people in the counseling realm led me to ACT – Acceptance & Commitment Therapy. This is a mindfulness based therapy that helps folks leverage being present to defuse from negative thoughts, images and feelings. What I was particularly drawn to was the philosophy of this model which acknowledges that we cannot control our thoughts and feelings and that our brains have evolved to sense and avoid danger. This is why we worry. Russ Harris who shares the ideas of Steven Hayes (one of the ACT founders) in one of my favorite books The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living points out that there are 4 myths of happiness…so enjoy!
1. Happiness is the natural state for all human beings. Research actually demonstrates the opposite. Unfortunately, one in ten adults will attempt suicide and one in five will suffer from depression. Most of us are thinking that everyone around us is waking up happy each day, but that is not the case….you are not alone.
2. If you’re not happy, you’re defective. This one hits home for me. I have spent half my life trying to alter my life to be happy, read a million self-help books, exercised, partied, went to places I enjoy – all to still wake up cranky the next morning. In our culture we avoid suffering and deem it problematic and abnormal. It is judged. It is not accepted and yet it is INEVITABLE. And I happen to believe that from our suffering we grow, we become more connected to ourselves and to what matters most. If you are unhappy, worried, stressed, anxious, and ready to defend yourself…your mind is doing exactly what it has evolved to do, you are not defective.
3. To create a better life, we must get rid of negative thinking. Life is all about balance. I invite feelings of happiness, contentment, excitement, and joy into my life and yours. And I do experience all of these almost everyday, usually later in the day. However, to create the life you want, you must prepare for challenging thoughts and feelings. Take relationships for example…at times you will feel connected, loved, and happy. At other points you may feel scared, unhappy, and frustrated. That is OK and completely normal, we just don’t speak about it as often as we showcase our high points in life.
4. You should be able to control what you think and feel. By trying to get rid of negative thinking you are only going to feel like a failure when you realize that you cannot control your thoughts or feelings, which then perpetuates the negative feelings. You may ask yourself, “Why can’t I just get over it and be happy?” Then you shame yourself for not being able to do so. How many of you have tried to get that memory, image, or negative thought out of your mind and have been successful at it?? You might be able to distract yourself temporarily to get rid of it, yet it most likely comes back. And who has time to constantly remain distracted? When we are avoiding painful thoughts and feeling with things like avoidance and distraction, we are also blocking the positive thoughts and feelings, pulling us away from living a rich and meaningful life.
Rather than trying to control our thoughts and emotions, I would suggest inviting them in, making space for them, creating peace with them – you just may find that they are not as powerful as we have perceived them to be. What we can control is our actions and how we respond to both positive and negative emotions. Take a breath, observe your thoughts and know what you’re brain is just doing what it evolved to do…nothing is wrong with you…suffering is part of life.
I want to hear from you! Have you tried to control your thoughts and feelings? What was that like? Have you fallen prey to the happiness myths and in what ways?
