What is the cost of perfectionism on our mental and emotional well-being, and how does it shape our daily lives?

Did you know that your tendency towards perfectionism is actually a survivor mechanism? In most cases, I’d argue that perfectionism is actually some version of a trauma response and that’s why it becomes a part of who you are. 

It all goes back to conditioning, the things that happen to us, the messages we receive from 0-7 years old. And especially as girls, growing up in today’s society, we learn a lot about where we fall short, and what a “good girl”, good mom”, “good wife” looks like and how it’s to be experienced. Somewhere along the way, so many of us learned that if we’re just good enough, we will be accepted. If we do things in a really high standard way, if we crush it, if we’re perfect then we’ll get mom and dad’s support. The list of examples can go on and on as we develop from a child, to a teenager and into adulthood.

My loves, to your brain and body, to your nervous system, to the mechanisms inside of you that are designed to keep you safe - fitting in and being socially accepted and desirable is a life-threatening situation. From the beginning of the human species, in the caveman/woman days, you wanted to stay in the group, it was more safe that way. If you were an outsider, you were more vulnerable to death. You were exposed. 

This is exactly where we develop these mechanisms that said if I don’t fit in, I’m not safe. But over time it has only gotten worse, like you get your heart broken by someone who tells you, you’re not skinny enough in high school. Or you get hurt by someone who cheats on you with your best friend in college. And the messages you tell yourself go right back to what I was saying earlier of not being good enough from these learned mechanisms. It’s probably even worse in today’s world with social media and cyber bullying - we’re constantly comparing ourselves to these unrealistic perfectionistic figures. 

So when we have those signals in our brain and body that happen automatically, guess what happens? We flood ourselves with adrenaline and cortisol, which looks like doubling down to do more…aka anxiety, aka perfectionism. It’s that voice that says If I just do more, If I just do better, then it will be enough. 

I’m not saying ditch your high standards or quality of work or your quality of life, mama. What I am saying is that we need to uproot the origin of this perfectionism, and we need to nourish it so it can grow in a healthy way. There is a healthy level of integrity in how you want to show up, but it becomes unhealthy when it’s fueled unconsciously by fear. 

Perfectionism - Fear we are not enough; Fear we are not going to be fit in or loved on.

When we go full force to do more and more, we run ourselves down to the point of becoming sick. It not only does that, but it prevents us from being our most authentic self. The highest vibration is your most authentic self and love. Those are the two highest frequencies and highest vibrations. 

You are not being your authentic self when you have your mask of perfectionism on or when your perfectionistic part is driving the bus. 

This idea of everything has to be perfect can prevent us from taking the action we need to take to create the life we want to live. Remember, anything you want in your life, you need two elements: energy and action. 

There’s this CEO Table of Life image I want to share with you that I believe can really help integrate this concept. Imagine a long rectangular dinner table and here are some of the the invited guests:

• Head of the table: You as an adult, your most grounded and resourced self.

• To your left: Your inner child, you’re always checking on her to see how she’s feeling about things and telling her she’s beautiful - you’re reprogramming her.

• Next to her: Your inner adolescent, love on her and tell her that her voice matters

• Next to her: Your college self

The list can go on with every stage you’ve experienced in your life. I encourage you to take some time to draw this out for yourself and see where it takes you. And in the end, what we want to do is love on these parts because they were born out of real things and they don’t need to be ignored or neglected. 

They all have an assigned seat at the table, which means there’s always a spot here and your voice matters. But let me tell you, nobody will take your rightful seat tat the head of the table. Because if we do that, then that’s when we’re likely going to make decisions out of fear, anxiety and perfectionism, and we’ll push people away. You can love all of those people at the table, but YOU get to make the final decision, mama.

Here’s the key takeaway:

When you understand that your perfectionism is a trauma response and a protective part. When you lean in and love on this part and you take the pressure off of her, she’s still there to help you be great. BUT she can calm down, which will calm your anxiety, help you stop spinning and from not taking action. She’s going to be a healthier version of that go-getter, which really does help you get into the flow of taking action. 

Think about what’s possible for you when you lean into that perfectionistic part and love on her. She can still be in the room, but she’s going to need to calm it down, which will bring in more flow, more ease, more pleasure and more play. 

As you’re working through healing your perfectionism, I want you to remember to show compassion for yourself. This part of you has being running, doing and performing for so long to protect you and keep you loved that she’s exhausted. Give yourself some grace and love, mama.  

I want you to know that you are truly incredible as the being you are. You don't need the perfectionism. What's on the other side of this perfectionism, what I call unperfected, is not a lower standard. It is a higher standard of life. It is a match for the things that you hold dear and that you want. It is a place where you can be your authentic expression of who you are.

COMING IN MARCH!

If you're ready to ditch these old ways of being that are perfectionistic and anxiety provoking, and you're ready to unlock and unleash that next level of potential, then join me for unPERFECTED: The Mastermind for Mama. This is the most potent and transformational container that I have ever offered women and mothers to date. I have compiled decades worth of tools, techniques, whether it's energy, leadership, nervous system regulation, boundary setting, all of it, and poured it into this six month mastermind for mamas. This is the deeper work that I'm talking about, that's what we're going to be doing in a group of like-minded sisterhood. It is going to be so powerful. More information is coming soon, the program launches March 5th - be sure you’re on my email list to get all the details!

Take care of yourselves and therefore each other!

XO, Brooke Jean