Today I want to get into a topic that feels like one of the messiest parts of motherhood – TRIGGERS.

We’re getting into what triggers even are, what is happening in the brain and body when we’re experiencing a trigger, and what the heck we can start doing to help ourselves. 

A lot of times I will hear moms talk about how bad they feel because their kids trigger them, and we often end up internalizing this because we think we’re bad parents. I’m here to tell you that feeling triggered by your child is actually extremely normal and common. We’re trying to heal our own trauma while trying to learn how to do things differently in parenting, and it is really hard. We are a walking, living live-wire trying to parent. And instead of giving ourselves grace around our humanness, we end up shaming ourselves for it. 

so let’s get into it – how do you know if you’re triggered?

Picture this: It’s 8:00pm on a Friday night. It’s been a long week – you are burnt out and overstimulated. You don’t even know what it feels like to be calm and regulated. One of your kids is struggling to get to bed, you feel yourself escalating, and you hear a particular whine that sends you over the limit. You slam a door, shout at them, walk away, etc., and it feels like an out of body experience. You completely lose your shit.

Anytime we have a subconscious and reactive response to something – often surprising us a little bit – we’re triggered.

There’s a variety of things that can throw us into a trigger response, and it looks different for each of us because we all have had different experiences that developed them in the first place. So how do these experiences end up translating to this stuff?

I want to give a little bit of psycho-education here, in layman’s terms. We all have had experiences that have shook us to the core, and we will all experience trauma to some degree. It could have been abuse, a car accident, humiliation, something really scary, a hard conversation – you name it. When these moments occur they are too much for our brain to process properly, and because of this, our survival brain turns on. The traumatic experience is then stored in our emotional brain along with the sights, sounds, smells, etc. that relate to the moment, and when something similar crosses our attention today, our brain takes us back to the danger it thought it was in then. 

if you find yourself feeling triggered, it’s because you have reason to be. 

The brain is designed to protect you, and even in moments that you may lose it with your kid, you need to remember that your brain is doing what it’s supposed to do. It is now our responsibility to learn about our triggers and how to manage them so we can break free from unhealthy reactions and patterns.

Now let me note – a lot of times we don’t remember our traumatic memories, and we often want to get to the bottom of everything. Know that it’s okay if you don’t remember what caused the trigger, and that you can still heal it. The first thing I want you to do is get out of the shame and blame around being triggered. Have some freaking compassion for yourself and know that you have been through things that have made you sensitive to the information you are receiving. Let’s then build some self-awareness around the triggers. What are they? When do you feel triggered? Is it when your kid whines or when your partner doesn’t respond right away? Is it a tone in an email? Is it the fact that your kid has things that you didn’t have in childhood? Begin to get curious from a loving place – it’s a beautiful thing that you are even taking a look at this stuff.

So how can we help ourselves as it relates to the triggers themselves?

1. Make sure your basic needs are met. How many of us forget to feed ourselves, are sleep deprived, haven’t showered today, or haven’t shaved our legs in a year? That makes us more vulnerable to triggers. We need nourishment, hydration, sleep, play, and sunlight. We have to take care of ourselves. 

2. Regulate your nervous system. Do this proactively and reactively. Our triggers are acted out through our nervous system so we have to regulate it. Proactive meditation, breathwork, 20 minutes of movement, grounding, etc. primes us to better handle our triggers. And when you’re actively in a trigger, step away and double down on your resources. Exit and regulate. Get your rational brain back online. 

3. Condition and strengthen your vagus nerve. This can be an effective and functioning channel of communication from our brain to our gut that helps our body understand what it’s needing. It helps us tap into our rest and digest system and we can engage it with gargling, singing, humming, vagal stretching, belly breathing, and more. 

4. Do your healing work. We all have trauma and we all need to heal our brain and body. I believe the top-3 trauma therapies are brainspotting, EMDR, and somatic experiencing because they are brain-body based. The deeper the healing that you do, the less triggered you will become.

all of us have triggers, and it doesn’t make you a bad mom if your child is one of them.

It’s a part of our human existence and you have lived through traumatic experiences, so it’s time to start regulating your nervous system. Research has shown that the more regulated we can become as mothers, the better parents we can be. Let’s normalize feeling triggered and commit to the work so our kids can become safe, seen, and healthy adults who love themselves and each other. 

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Take care of yourselves and therefore each other!

xo, brooke jean