This past weekend was an emotional one for me. There is something truly special about the beginning of May. As I look around, everything is green, bright, fresh and clean. All the dead is drifting away and making space for new growth. I find this phenomenon both in nature and in me, psychologically. This is a good time to remove what no longer serves us, perhaps toxic relationships, bad habits, a negative inner critic, you get the picture. This is a good time to strengthen your spiritual practice (mine is meditation) to de-clutter your mind and access your higher self, your best creativity, your guidance. This is a good time to purge your closet, clean your home and get your outside stuff ready to enjoy in the warmer weather. This is also the month we celebrate Moms and my the birth of my first born.
Usually, this time of year I feel invigorated, energized and ready to rock. But his past weekend was an emotional roller coaster for me. Yes, you can chalk it up to the pregnancy hormones, but I am aware it is much deeper than that. You see, I am beyond grateful to have a healthy growing baby girl in my belly. I can’t wait to meet her and have been enjoying every second I can feel her move. She is going to enhance our family and lives in so many ways. This is truly such an exciting time for my husband and I, and most days I am living in sheer joy.
However, to get ready for this baby girl, there are lots of changes also happening. We finished the basement to make a room for my son, an entertainment area, and some storage space. This basically feels like an apartment for my soon to be high schooler. He is thrilled. We painted his room and just made everything down there perfect for him.
And yet, this weekend, as we were transitioning him down there, I happened to walk by his “old room” totally empty. I walked in and started hysterically crying. You see with all this new, something has to die. And in this moment I realized that my baby is no longer my baby, and that my time with him is passing by WAY too fast, and he is growing into this amazing human being, but one that doesn’t need what he used to from me. I took a trip down memory lane, when we first bought this house, got him this awesome bed with a slide and fort, reading him books, playing dinosaurs and legos, changing his room as he aged and so much more. Where has this time gone?
I realized that in creating space for the new, my growing family and all that entails, I have to say good-bye to just as much. And this folks, is straight up grief. So I allowed myself a full blown cry session. I let it all out. I miss my son being little. And I never want him to feel like he’s being pushed aside for the new baby. You see, even thought he is ecstatic about the basement, my mind was telling me we were pushing him aside (these are the false truths our brain tell us). And sub-consciously I was buying into that emotionally. So I took a moment to recognize the false truth and to remind myself of what I know to be factual. Adding a new baby will not lessen our love for Cam, it just adds love to our home. Cam knows what he means to me, and I will never stop telling, showing, proving to him what he means to me. And he is thrilled about the new baby, we all are. This is a beautiful transition, but with it comes grief. Its normal, and to be expected, and yet we usually ignore this part of the process.
So my point is, yes lets celebrate what’s to come. AND let’s also allow ourselves to grieve what we leave behind. Grief is the most disenfranchised emotion in American culture. Let’s slow down and allow ourselves to feel the full range of emotions, and honor the same in others. Let’s be aware of all that is happening so we can move forward with full intention. Let’s teach our children its OK to cry in a bedroom because things are changing, and that just like in nature, our tears (water) make everything fresh, clean and new.
Whether you are in a life transition like me, a love transition, or a career transition, know that honoring what was is an essential part of the process.
This morning I woke up with such a grateful heart and walked into the basement to wake my son up and was in love with his new space. Now, we are ready. Now that I have acknowledged the whole picture and all parts of me.
Here’s to a May filled with amazing shifts in your lives.
Take care of yourselves and therefore each other!
Brooke Jean, MA